I’m in transit
But I’m stranded on this boat
And I pledge myself allegiance
To a better night’s sleep at home
I’ve talked about my irrational motivation and its tendency to warn me that I’m not enough. It surfaces at specific times, most notably when something is going wrong in my life. Whether it’s a small bump or a steep mountain climb, any barrier sends my anxiety into overdrive, hitting the go button to all my big fears.
It happens when I try to take stock of what I have and what I’ve become and where I feel like I need to be going. I consider what I’m doing wrong, what’s not working, what needs fixing rather than focusing on all that’s right, what has worked incredibly well and what has needed fixing.
I panic over an uncertain future, uncertain financial status, the fear that a lot of money and a lot of time and an MBA will be wasted because the market is terrible and we are working our asses off and nothing seems to be happening and…and…well just a general WTF tends to follow.
But then I sit in front of the person who saw potential in me, offered me a leg up and then grabbed a mirror so I could see the potential too – and among all the uncertainty, I feel strong. I feel unwavering in what I know now to be true: I am smart. Very, very smart. I am passionate. I am stubborn. And I’ve never ever given up for less than what I knew I was capable of. And the fear? The fear is sometimes a small bump and sometimes a huge mountain climb. Somehow, I know I’ll probably always clear the hurdle.
I sit curled up in bed and make the list.
In five years, I want to…
-own a home
-have traveled and seen Europe, Africa, India and South America
-have a solid career that affords me to live comfortably and support myself entirely
-be in a strong, stable relationship that is equal in love, friendship, trust, loyalty and independence
-have saved and made good investments
-started a photography business
-be 20 pounds lighter
(one vain item isn’t wrong, right?)
In 10 years I want to….
-be married
-have a child (this changes daily – ha)
- have a successful photography business
-be running a company
-maintain a healthy and peaceful life balance
-be able to cook a real meal that doesn’t just involve boiling water (notice this isn’t under 5 years…I feel it will take this long)
These are the abridged versions, obviously and sometimes the lists get so long and I start to find myself short of breath because 5 years and 10 years just don’t seem like much time in the grand scheme of things.
But then I pause. In 5 years, I will be 30. It makes me cringe and yet, it makes me consider it in context. 10 years ago, for example, I was about to be 15. I was still awkward, pudgy in weird places and underdeveloped in others, trying decide on a personality, a style, core values and what I wanted in friendships, in relationships, in life. I knew so little about myself then even though I thought everything I believed was solid and true and forever.
And since then, I have
-been the creative director of a full production
-graduated from high school in the top 10% of my class
-switched majors 4 times and graduated magna cum laude from college
-complete a prestigious internship program and intern 4 blocks from the White House
-fallen in love (we’ll say twice…)
-traveled to 26 states, 4 countries
-gotten a puppy, watched her grow into a dog
-landed a good job
-developed a very successful career, made good contacts, good money and traveled extensively
That list could be longer too. And then I think of 10 years ago? It seems like a lifetime ago. It makes me understand why people in their 30s say they never really had it figured out in their 20s. I think you always feel like that about your former self. And so today, heading into 25, I think I have not done enough and have so much left to do in such a short period of time. But in the context of it all, I think I am OK. More than OK maybe. Maybe I am doing just fine.