There’s been a switch, it seems, in the way I’ve been treating myself lately.  A trend of sorts, less self destructive and more self assured – behavior that makes taking care of myself a priority, not just an afterthought.

Part of this found me taking a vacation this past week to a tropical island.  To do literally nothing except swim and lay in the sun while reading books that weren’t work or school related.  And THAT is exactly what I did.  I was surprised, at first, at how strange it felt to have no laptop and no real access to the world in a portable sense, my cell phone data service was turned off and at $1.99/minute, making calls was sort of ridiculous.  Even text messages were $0.50 each to receive and so I tried to send a minimum, just a few to my family and most to the girlfriend.

But it was incredible – I could feel the tension in my jaw relax, the muscles in my neck loosen and the overall sense of weight that comes with every day life simply melt off my skin.  I had nothing to do, no deadlines to hit, nowhere to be.  I was responsible for nothing, for a brief pause, my life was all about me.  I sat on the balcony of my hotel room some evenings, looking out onto the ocean and tried very hard to soak in exactly what I was feeling.  The absence of stress and worry and the realization that I was making good decisions for myself, for the first time in such a very long time.

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I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy…happy

I wish you were here

It was hard not to notice the couples, they were sort of everywhere and even though I knew I’d miss her, I didn’t think I’d miss her like that, you know?   It was a little jarring, though I shouldn’t have been surprised given the way my stomach shakes and my heart bounces whenever I think about her.  But the physical ache I felt when I would drift off, laying in the sun, and wake up expecting to see her laying next to me….that I was unprepared for.

I think that’s kind of when you realize that you aren’t just with someone who is great and wonderful because of who they are as a person (although that is undoubtedly true) but that you are with someone who is great and wonderful for you, who makes you great. And when you are away, the reality of what you have, how fucking amazingly lucky you are to have found someone like that, is magnified a hundred times over.

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There is a reason they call it paradise: warm, sunny, idyllic and postcard perfect.  But what it brought for me was some time to regroup, to reflect on where I am today and where I’m headed.  A chance to step away, truly away, from everything and appreciate in a new light the beautiful things my life had handed me.

It might be cliche or even trite to say it or type it, but I am so, so damn fortunate for this life of mine.  And fortunate to always know that at the end of darkness, there is always warmth and light again.